Health

HyunA Opens up About Her Battle With Depression and Panic Disorder

The K-pop star details her mental health journey in a letter.

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1,638 Hypes

K-pop star HyunA, formerly of Wonder Girls and 4Minute, has taken to Instagram to reveal that she’s been struggling with depression.

Writing to her 12 million followers, the 27-year-old singer says she was first diagnosed with depression and panic disorder when she was hospitalized in 2016, but it wasn’t until a year later that she has come to terms with her condition.

In her heartfelt letter, HyunA goes on to detail her mental health journey, and explains that she also suffers from vasovagal syncope that has caused her to faint in the past.

“I wanted to keep my secret for a long time, but whenever I would fall down, I’d feel anxious on my own and I felt so sorry,” writes the pop artist. “So I wanted to relieve those feelings even a little bit, and that’s why I’m saying this honestly… I’m going to keep bravely trying to be well, but I think people can’t be perfect. I think it’s not too late and I’m going to love myself and take care of myself. I’m going to be courageous and honest, like I am now.”

After parting ways with Cube Entertainment, in April, 2019, HyunA officially signed with PSY’s new entertainment agency P NATION alongside DAWN. Her comeback single, “Flower Shower,” was released this November.

Read HyunA’s letter as translated by Soompi below:

“Hi, hello. To my fans A-Ing and also the many people who like me and are interested in me, I’m not sure if this is the right decision or not either, but it’s something I decided after a lot of thought, so I’m going to really tell my story.

To be honest, I’d dreamt of being on stage since I was very young. I achieved that dream and I received so much more love and interest than I ever could have imagined, and I think I went through a process of growth. Maybe because I’ve thought that I’ve especially had so many opportunities ever since I was young, I’ve always felt grateful and, to be honest, excited. At those times, I also felt sorry. Time went on and after my debut I became an adult, and I thought I needed to take responsibility for everything I do, I thought I shouldn’t make any mistakes, and I wanted be someone that was everyone’s choice. Because of that ambition, I just looked straight ahead and kept running. I didn’t know I was sick. However, because of the great people and fans who were always together with me, I just thought I was okay. I put it off, said it wasn’t true and I was okay, but then I found out when I first went to the hospital in 2016 that I was ill mentally. Like how naturally when you’re physically sick you take medicine, like when you have a cold you have to take cold medicine, I was someone who had always been so tough, so I couldn’t believe the diagnosis of depression and panic disorder. I think I didn’t believe it for a year.

Now, I naturally get treatment once every two weeks, and I try not to think badly about it because I have many people around me. But then I first experienced my vision getting foggy and I collapsed. Several times I thought his must be a symptom of my panic disorder too and ignored it. However, a doctor advised me to go to a university hospital so I had some tests done on my brainwaves, and I found out that I have something called vasovagal syncope. I was lost and it seemed I had no options. I wanted to be on stage, but I was worried that if I kept falling down like this often, if people knew that I’m sick, then maybe people wouldn’t want to have me perform. Since I was worried about that, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I wanted to keep my secret for a long time, but whenever I would fall down, I’d feel anxious on my own and I felt so sorry. When I was doing an advertisement or something else on my schedule, when I was doing an event, I was so sorry to the many people who had believed in me and entrusted me with that. So I wanted to relieve those feelings even a little bit, and that’s why I’m saying this honestly. Although I was cautious, I didn’t hide it and gathered up the courage to try to talk about it. I’m going to keep bravely trying to be well, but I think people can’t be perfect. I think it’s not too late and I’m going to love myself and take care of myself. I’m going to be courageous and honest, like I am now. Thank you very much for reading.”

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안녕 안녕하세요 우리 팬들 아잉 또는 저를 좋아해 주시고 관심 가져주시는 많은 분들 이게 맞는 선택일지 아닐지는 저도 모르겠지만 많이 생각하고 또 생각해 선택한 것이기에 진짜 제 이야기를 해 볼까 해요 사실 저는 아주 어릴 적부터 무대 위에 서려는 꿈을 갖고 있었어요 그러다 보니 꿈을 이루었고 또 생각하지도 못했던 사랑들을 관심들을 마음을 정말 많이도 받고 성장과정을 가져온 것 같아요 어린 시절부터 저에게는 유독 많은 기회들이 있다고 생각해서인지 늘 감사했고 솔직히 신났어요 그럴 때면 미안함이 들기도 했고요 그렇게 시간이 지나 제가 데뷔 이후 성인이 되었고 제가 하는 모든 일은 책임을 져야 한다 실수해서는 안 돼 누구에게나 선택받는 사람이고 싶은 욕심이 생겨 앞만 보고 달려갔어요 제가 아픈지도 모르고 있었죠 그래도 주변에 늘 함께해주시는 좋은 분들 그리고 팬들이 항상 함께였으니까 괜찮은 줄로만 알았어요 미루고 아니라며 괜찮다고 넘겨오다가 처음 2016년 병원을 가보고 나서야 알게 되었어요 저도 마음이 아픈 상태였단 걸 몸이 아프면 약을 먹는 게 자연스러운 것처럼 감기에 감기약을 먹어야 하는 것처럼 늘 단단해왔던 저였기에 우울증과 공황장애라는 진단이 믿기지 않았죠 일 년은 믿지 못 했던 것 같아요 지금은 자연스럽게 이주에 한번 꾸준히 치료받고 있고 나쁘게 생각하지만은 않으려 해요 많은 분들이 함께해주기 때문에 그러다 처음 앞이 뿌옇게 보이더니 푹하고 쓰러졌어요 여러 번 이것도 공황장애 증세 중 하나려나 하고 넘어가려다 의사선생님 말씀에 대학병원에서 뇌파 등 이것저것 검사를 해보고 알게 된 사실은 미주신경성 실신이라는 병이 있더라고요 뾰족한 수가 없는 멍했어요 무대에 서고 싶은데 내가 이렇게 자주 푹하고 쓰러진다면 내가 아프단 걸 알면 누가 날 찾아주려나 제일 먼저 걱정이 앞서서 누구에게도 알리고 싶지 않았어요 근데 비밀이란 게 오랫동안 지켜지면 좋으려만 푹푹 쓰러질 때마다 혼자 속 졸이며 미안하고 또 미안한 마음이 들더라고요 광고나 스케줄 소화 할 때면 행사할 때면 절 믿고 맡겨 주시는 많은 분들께 죄송했어요 그래서 제 마음이 조금이나마 가볍고 싶어 이렇게 솔직하게 얘기하게 되었고 조심스러웠지만 숨기지 않고 용기 내서 얘기해보았어요 앞으로도 씩씩하게 잘 지내려고 노력할 테지만 사람은 완벽할 수만은 없나 봐요 늦지 않았다고 생각하고 제 자신을 사랑하고 보살펴주려고요 지금처럼 용기 내어 솔직할 거고요 읽어주셔서 고맙고 감사합니다

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