Ask a (S)expert: “Why Is She Unusually Irritated by Me During Sex?”
Welcome to our new series led by Gigi Fong, Hypebae’s in-house sex and dating editor.
Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae’s first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.
Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡
“How do I make her orgasm? She is unusually irritated by me, especially when we are having sex.”
Hey bae! Okay, I definitely understand how this can be confusing. At the bare minimum, sex should be enjoyable and pleasurable for everyone involved. Speaking of sex being pleasurable, let’s start with why your partner might be irritated during sex. It’s natural to think an orgasm will fix everything, sometimes it truly does. But for most people, the issue is deeper.
The most important detail is that she’s irritated both in and out of the boudoir — but not verbally communicating the issue at hand. As her partner, take a step back and work on communication. If you’ve tuned into Ask a (S)expert before, you’re familiar with the sandwich method. Find a safe space outside of the boudoir and open it with an aspect of intimacy you love sharing together. Then let her know you’ve noticed an air of irritation and how it makes you feel. Lastly, ask her what she’s feeling and remind her that your goal is to understand.
If you both have a lot invested in this relationship and also want to return to your happy place, I’d recommend therapy, as well, to best learn each other’s communication styles as this appears to be disrupting not only intimacy but the relationship as a whole. I’d also start clearing your schedule and prioritizing date nights for intimacy building.
Now about making her c-m…..
On a surface level, I’m curious to know what’s going on when she appears irritated. Were you both trying something new that unintentionally gave her the ick? Are you paying attention to how her body responds when you attempt to pleasure her? Make sure you’re paying attention to body cues. For example, breathing deeper or quicker would indicate she’s enjoying herself.
On a deeper level, sexual pleasure taps into the mind-body connection, which means that issues she’s having with you outside of the bedroom become exacerbated during intimacy. Long story short: making her orgasm without addressing the irritation first is a doomed mission.
Hopefully, taking the time to date each other and elevate communication will help you return to that sweet, safe space you used to share. From here, you can re-open up the conversation of sex and what she’d like to explore. For example, spice up your sex lives by watching porn together, exploring virtual or IRL sex stores and trying new sex toys. These are our (S)expert approved sex toys if you’d like to spoil her, too.
If the connection isn’t improving, even with the help of experts like sex and couples’ therapists, the relationship may be due for conscious uncoupling… No one deserves a sex life laced with irritation.
Best of luck, bae!
For more sex and dating, check out our (S)expert-approved Barbiecore sex toys.