Ask a (S)expert: "How Can I Make Role Play Less... Awkward?"
Welcome to our new series led by Gigi Fong, Hypebae’s in-house sex and dating editor.
Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae’s first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.
Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡
“How can I make role-play less… awkward?”
Hey bae! It sounds like you’re experiencing some anxiousness which is very common given that sex is taboo – let alone BDSM. Often this is due to outdated beliefs about BDSM and sex. For example, some believe that the dominant person holds all the power, leaving the submissive powerless. When in fact, the submissive is giving the dominant permission to control. Without it, there is no play. Or there’s the reality that we teach people not to perform during sex and choose authenticity, but leave you high and dry with no tips when it comes to role-play.
Transparently, it can feel like a true test of confidence, like you’re letting it all hang out. As a result, performance anxiety and awkwardness can convince you you’re not “performing” well enough.
It’s important to one, remember why you’re dabbling in role-play and two, empower yourself. Be proud of yourself for exploring. Whether you’re re-enacting a special moment like when you first met at the local bar or trying something new, allow yourself to feel excited!
You’re probably wondering how TF to do so let’s dive into the deets!
While you’re here, check out my favorite role-play ideas.
1. Know your limits…
Having a safe word and/or ground rules should be a non-negotiable. Anxiousness can imply that something’s wrong, which is true yes. But it can also wrongfully communicate that something’s wrong with your partner, urging them to stop the scene. Communicating beforehand is important for a number of reasons. But most importantly so you and your partner are in tune.
2. Ask for reassurance
Speaking of communication, let your partner know how they can support you. This can look like taking a moment or having them remind you how fire you look if you freeze up.
3. Have a laugh
Have you ever heard the saying “Have sex with someone you can laugh with?” This especially applies here. Having a safe partner and space to feel silly is very important. That way, if you say something “ick-worthy” you both can laugh it off instead of having to end the scene.
4. Hype yourself up
If you get nervous, a surefire way to refocus and “get in the mood” is by reminding yourself how beautiful you look. Affirming yourself can sound like “I look so good in this costume” or “Honestly, I’d fuck myself, too” Be bold and hype yourself up. This will not only keep you in the mood but arouse the f-ck out of your partner too.
5. About those hands…
As silly as it sounds, sometimes you just don’t know what to do with your hands or what to say. When this happens, keep the intimacy flowing by switching to nonverbal cues. This can look like grazing your nails across their shoulder or massaging the nape of their neck. This added sensation will physically bring you both closer and prevent you from shutting down when nerves hit.
Best of luck, bae!
In other news, did you know that Ben Affleck gifted JLo a ring engraved with “Not Going Anywhere”?
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