Sex & Dating

Cis Men Are Terrified of Sex Toys and This Sex Expert Has a Word

It’s about d-mn time.

By
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Sex toys can trigger many feelings from sex-based performance anxiety to confusion as to where to begin. But what do you do when you’re dating a cis man who shames or rejects your desire to explore sex toys?

According to sex and relationship expert Nicoletta Heidegger, the hesitation can be rooted in personal shame or a conflict with their moral system. This does not mean that sex toys are immoral by any means, however.

“There is a pressure to be “good” at sex and without comprehensive sexual education and misogynistic narratives, many men feel that it makes them less of a man if their partner “needs” or wants a sex toy,” Heidegger elaborated. Because of this pressure, some cis men equate their partner’s desire for sex toys as a sign that they can’t please their partner and can be replaced. 

Then there’s the obvious reason you’ve probably already guessed: selfishness. “It is often a selfish thing and an ownership thing,” Heidegger confirmed. “That I as your partner should be the purveyor and gatekeeper of your pleasure and your role is to feed my ego about how good I am.”

In this case, you’re better off alone prioritizing solo sex. Most likely, a partner with this mentality never truly cared about your pleasure anyway.

For expert tips on introducing sex toys to partnered sex, read this article.

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