Ask a (S)expert: “I’m Kinky, They’re Not... Are We F-cked?”
Welcome to our new series led by Gigi Fong, Hypebae’s in-house sex and dating editor.
Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae’s first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.
Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡
“My partner and I have been together for 30 years. We’re decent at vanilla sex. One of us wants to explore together and open up our sex lives to new experiences. The other was born in a conservative, Catholic household and thinks masturbation is shameful. How do we come together? “
Hey bae and Happy Kinktober! This question depends on one larger conversation: How essential is (s)exploration to the more liberal partner? If it’s essential, you may need to have a conversation about alternate avenues of pleasure. For example, opening the relationship sexually or solely enjoying (s)exploration, like kink, during solo sex.
This may sound extreme to some people as sexuality is downplayed in our culture, mostly due to taboo. In all reality, your sexuality and interests are an integral part of you. For example, the more conservative partner wouldn’t ditch their religion to please the more liberal partner. It’s a part of their identity and they shouldn’t have to change for anyone else. So why should a liberal person do so? Exactly. You shouldn’t repress your sexuality for anyone.
However, that’s the extreme and only if they’re not receptive and continue to default to shaming. If they’re open, just a bit nervous, think of this little obstacle as an opportunity to broaden your horizons.
Here’s what you should do.
How do I explore kink with my partner?
First, create a safe space for conversation — and remember, there’s no need to worry about sampling complicated sex toys or raunchy kinks immediately. This is simply a time to continue the conversation around pleasure. For example, what has worked for both of you thus far, what you’d like to try and what makes you feel nervous. Friendly reminder to the conservative partner to remove the word “shameful” from the conversation.
Out of everything discussed, pick an experience that feels feasible and fun. This can be at the top of the list of what you try first. Then pick one thing that seems intimidating, but you both agree you want to try — this is what you’ll work your way up to. For example, starting with exploring erogenous zones and working your way up to mutual masturbation.
Next, similar to introducing sex toys into the bedroom, explore! Watch porn together, go to sex stores, or shop virtually if an IRL experience is not accessible. In store, associates can help equip you with everything needed for the kinks you want to try from toys to lube to batteries — so that’s preferred.
Now, you’re ready for partnered play. Set time to get intimate and put everything you learned about each other into practice. Remember your intentions and hopeful experiences. But most importantly, give yourselves permission to explore with each other. If performance anxiety kicks in, remember this is your partner, not a performance, it’s just about pleasure and shared experiences.
Enjoy!
In other news, here are the top 10 kinkiest moments this SS24 Fashion Month.
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