Ask a (S)expert: I'm Nervous About Introducing Sex Toys to My Partner. What Do I Do?
Welcome to our new series led by Gigi Fong, Hypebae’s in-house sex and dating editor.
Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae’s first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.
Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡
“I really wanna introduce sex toys to my partner but I’m a bit nervous. How can I do that without getting so self conscious about it?”
Hi bae! Your anxiousness is valid. Especially if you’re a femme, we can be afraid of coming off as “too kinky” or making our partner feel inadequate.
Thankfully, research reveals that toys are becoming normalized for couples so you’re not alone in your desire. In its 2023 State of Sex Survey, Trojan found that “88% of couples under 35 use sex toys,“and Lovehoney hinted at anal (s)exploration trends.
So, there’s no need to stress but if you’re like me and need a little boost, here are my best tips! For tips on toy styles and shopping, scroll to the end.
Tip 1: What do you desire?
First, what style of sex toys would you like to try and why? Fully understanding your desires will enhance your confidence. For example, there are clitoral stimulators, penis strokers and rings, penetrative sex toys and others that stimulate the nipples. Which style sounds most exciting?
Ok now that we’re excited…
Tip 2: Before communicating, ground yourself with intentions.
You may have a fear of offending your lover or turning them off. But, it doesn’t have to halt you from speaking your truth. Keeping your intentions fresh will remind you not to back out when you get nervous.
Tip 3: Use the sandwich method for inspo >
Yes, you read that correctly. The sandwich method is a feedback tool that involved wrapping the negative in a positive. Ironically, it translates well to communication about sex. Open with pleasurable, mind-blowing experiences you’ve shared and drop in a request for exploration. Then close with a positive. Here are some thought starters:
“I love when you do xyz…. I found this ad on Instagram and I low-key want to try this with you… Would you be open?
“Remember when you did that thing? My legs were shaking for hours. Do you think you’d be open to trying this too?”
Or: “I feel safest with you, and that’s why I’d feel comfortable trying this….”