No Kink-Shaming Allowed: Why You Shouldn't Judge Others' Sexual Desires
Never yuck someone’s yum.
Kink-shaming is the act of making someone feel less than or problematic for their sexual desires. To some, the act of your partner putting a collar around your neck during sex or spanking you in the bedroom is a definite no. To others, these may be the sensual highlights of their week. That’s the beauty of individual differences.
In the world of kink, there’s always something new to explore, so approaching kink with an open mind is key. Remember, kink is consensual sexual play, so if all parties are of age, give enthusiastic consent and practice kink safely, one should refrain from shaming it.
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How kink-shaming became the norm
The act of kink-shaming is rooted in centuries of sex-negative behavior. As the world has viewed sex as taboo for centuries, a whole slew of problematic behavior became the norm.
Take hysteria and the creation of the vibrator for example. In the earliest history of sex toys, vibrators were used as a method of shaming women and handling their “hysteria.” What was hysteria, you ask? Undesirable behavior like depression, lack of sexual appetite and a “tendency to cause trouble.” Doctors basically started prescribing women the use of vibrators as a “marital aid.” Essentially, if you weren’t getting your husband off, you would be prescribed a vibrator to “fix your issues.”
Why is kink-shaming bad?
Shaming others for their desires isn’t one isolated negative moment. People internalize shame and carry that weight for years. It causes emotional, social and physiological stress due to people feeling ostracized from their communities and never being able to live authentically sexually. Imagine the stress that comes with not being able to simply have a good orgasm because of shame. Kink is meant to be invigorating and freeing. Who are we to deny people of that pleasure?
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How can you avoid kink-shaming?
Like with becoming more sex-positive, the best way to curve that negative thought process is by educating yourself. Educate yourself on the experiences of others, have consensual conversations with others about what they enjoy about intimacy, sex and kink if they’re comfortable.
Avoiding kink-shaming is essentially becoming more sex-positive. It’s seeking to understand, not to judge. It’s important to ask yourself why your immediate reaction to new experiences is to judge and shame.
Remember, you’re human
No one is perfect. No one is 100% unproblematic. After all, the term “get with the times” exists for a reason. We all have some learning to do, and when it comes to being sex-positive, unlearning kink-shaming is a necessary step.
Remember, kink is an act of sexual freedom and creativity, as long as you and all parties have given consent.
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